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Feb. 15th, 2006 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aprilstarchildSo I was giving some thought today, to the kind of people I like to date.
I wrote this long list once, during the summer of '04, of things I wanted out of someone I date. Much of the list is still stuff I'd like to have in a partner...but it's not the same anymore.
I've realized that I could, in a way, distill a lot of what I'm looking for, down to a few ideas that are interrelated:
I look for people are interested in life. They need to see life as a smorgasboard of experiences--there are so many interesting and exciting things to do and see in the world. Hell, even if you don't travel, you are constantly surrounded by interesting ideas and things and people. There are so many kinds of music, so many books, so many movies!! There are places to go, things to experience. There are SCA events and book readings and zine symposiums. There are long walks around Portland on a rainy day, there are afternoons splashing in the ocean.
I look for people who get excited about things. Which is kind of a corallary of the first one. I mean, I like it when people have geeky interests. I like when people have lots of interests. They don't all have to match up to mine--the idea that I could ever find someone whose interests completely match mine is insane. I just love too many things. But, lordy, I want someone who gets excited about stuff! I want someone who finds out that, say, their favorite book is being made into a movie, or their favorite musician/band is coming to town, something like that--and they get all excited. Maybe they make an LJ post about it. Maybe they call me up and tell me about it. Maybe they jump up and down. I don't care.
I look for a sense of open-ness. This one is harder to peg down in language, for me. But many of my favorite people just have this open feeling towards other people and the world. They don't really have false selves (acting different in different situations is not the same thing as being false, btw). They are who they are. I find this to be rather common among people with ADD. I consider it one of the positive traits that comes with it.
You are born with a brain and a body. Use them. It can be really satisfying to have long discussions about ideas, or learn new things. It can also be satisfying to walk somewhere or dance all night or hike up a hill. They gotta be able to enjoy both their brains and their bodies. Otherwise, they just won't be able to keep up with me very well. *lol*
Be passionate. Yet another that basically says the same thing another way. There should be a few things in this world you honestly care about. I don't mind if you're a tad cynical. Just, for the love of gods, I can't stand complete apathy, or being cynical to the point of not really caring. Care about something, dammit.
Also, in regards to passion: Sex should be fun. Too many people, I've discovered, get completely disconnected during sex (and I'm not talking about that glassy- or closed-eyes concentration thing lots of people do before they orgasm). With some people, it's like they're not even there. Be there, dammit. Be okay with talking about what's going on, in some form or another, whether during or before. Be okay with me looking you in the eyes or touching your face. Also, foreplay is called "play" for a reason. It's okay to be playful during sexual activity. Even during semi-kinky sexual activity. Even outright angsty semi-violent stuff (safe, sane, and consensual; blah blah blah) is its own kind of play. Sex tends to be where a lot of our shadow selves run riot, and it's okay to acknowledge that.
There's also just plain'ol chemistry. I love that zing when you look someone in the eyes or touch them and there's that connection, that click. It's hard to find. I've been with how many people? --and felt that with only a handful. But, when it's there, boy howdy. *shiver* Unfortunately, on its own it doesn't actually denote a good compatibility. Dang.
There's other stuff, smaller but also important. For instance, I have to like the way they smell. They need to be able to get along with my friends. That sort of thing. But, man, I'm tired. I'm going to bed soon. *whew*
I wrote this long list once, during the summer of '04, of things I wanted out of someone I date. Much of the list is still stuff I'd like to have in a partner...but it's not the same anymore.
I've realized that I could, in a way, distill a lot of what I'm looking for, down to a few ideas that are interrelated:
I look for people are interested in life. They need to see life as a smorgasboard of experiences--there are so many interesting and exciting things to do and see in the world. Hell, even if you don't travel, you are constantly surrounded by interesting ideas and things and people. There are so many kinds of music, so many books, so many movies!! There are places to go, things to experience. There are SCA events and book readings and zine symposiums. There are long walks around Portland on a rainy day, there are afternoons splashing in the ocean.
I look for people who get excited about things. Which is kind of a corallary of the first one. I mean, I like it when people have geeky interests. I like when people have lots of interests. They don't all have to match up to mine--the idea that I could ever find someone whose interests completely match mine is insane. I just love too many things. But, lordy, I want someone who gets excited about stuff! I want someone who finds out that, say, their favorite book is being made into a movie, or their favorite musician/band is coming to town, something like that--and they get all excited. Maybe they make an LJ post about it. Maybe they call me up and tell me about it. Maybe they jump up and down. I don't care.
I look for a sense of open-ness. This one is harder to peg down in language, for me. But many of my favorite people just have this open feeling towards other people and the world. They don't really have false selves (acting different in different situations is not the same thing as being false, btw). They are who they are. I find this to be rather common among people with ADD. I consider it one of the positive traits that comes with it.
You are born with a brain and a body. Use them. It can be really satisfying to have long discussions about ideas, or learn new things. It can also be satisfying to walk somewhere or dance all night or hike up a hill. They gotta be able to enjoy both their brains and their bodies. Otherwise, they just won't be able to keep up with me very well. *lol*
Be passionate. Yet another that basically says the same thing another way. There should be a few things in this world you honestly care about. I don't mind if you're a tad cynical. Just, for the love of gods, I can't stand complete apathy, or being cynical to the point of not really caring. Care about something, dammit.
Also, in regards to passion: Sex should be fun. Too many people, I've discovered, get completely disconnected during sex (and I'm not talking about that glassy- or closed-eyes concentration thing lots of people do before they orgasm). With some people, it's like they're not even there. Be there, dammit. Be okay with talking about what's going on, in some form or another, whether during or before. Be okay with me looking you in the eyes or touching your face. Also, foreplay is called "play" for a reason. It's okay to be playful during sexual activity. Even during semi-kinky sexual activity. Even outright angsty semi-violent stuff (safe, sane, and consensual; blah blah blah) is its own kind of play. Sex tends to be where a lot of our shadow selves run riot, and it's okay to acknowledge that.
There's also just plain'ol chemistry. I love that zing when you look someone in the eyes or touch them and there's that connection, that click. It's hard to find. I've been with how many people? --and felt that with only a handful. But, when it's there, boy howdy. *shiver* Unfortunately, on its own it doesn't actually denote a good compatibility. Dang.
There's other stuff, smaller but also important. For instance, I have to like the way they smell. They need to be able to get along with my friends. That sort of thing. But, man, I'm tired. I'm going to bed soon. *whew*
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Date: 2006-02-16 07:36 am (UTC)I'm so blissing out on love tonight. I had such an amazing night with Lee, though it was quiet, there was a lot going on beneath the surface.
He has all those qualities and more. (Well, we're working on the getting along with my friends aspect, being that he can be a major introvert, but I know that when he does spend more time with some of my friends, everything will be snazzy.)
You make me want to write one of these lists, too, just of desirable qualities.
I'd add a similar entry to what you have:
Must Love the World. I want a lover, always, to love not just me or a select few people, but the whole goddamn world and all its craziness and even people who are not nice. Lee said something to me the other day, which I totally agree with: "I may not like a person, but I will always try to love them." Just the ability to love people in general and the world in general, that is a trait common to Lee and my former husband, Darshan, and it's now indispensable.
Also, Quiet Confidence. Loud confidence has its own sexiness, but Lee's quiet confidence is just so hot. He knows himself very well, and knows his limits. He stands up for himself and knows his value. I don't always have that quality, but being around him makes it stronger in me, too. Because confident people never need you to feel weak or insecure. They always want to build you up, too.
And having some kind of spirituality (doesn't matter what) and bicycling and being a big old leftie of some kind also help for me. Ooooooooo, and not being possessive and understanding veganism.
Alright. Done. And I TOTALLY agree about the silly sex. Lee and I are always giggling, because sex is passionate and serious and crazy and messy and human, and human things are funny!
I just want to reiterate, April, that I think you're so fucking cool. I thought that was really sweet how you gave me "hugs" on my V-day entry. Not many people give you hugs when you're already feeling happy, but you did. Having joy in your friends' joy, in some ways that's a rarer quality to find in a friend than a friend who will sympathize when you are down.
Yeah. I'm going to make you blush again if I go on like this.
D'oh!
Love,
Jen
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Date: 2006-02-16 02:32 pm (UTC)Those are important too!
As far as Valentines' Day: I don't remember making a conscious decision to do so, but every time something good happened to someone (like a coworker getting flowers) I got all happy for them. I was quite proud of myself for not even having the slightest urge to mope. *lol*
I'm blushing anyway.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-16 07:42 am (UTC)My former husband and I had most things, but not really chemistry on my side. And that's a large part of (if not the whole reason) why polyamory turned into a divorce.
When I met Lee, with whom I had all the good aspects I had with my husband, but also a phenomenal chemistry, it totally floored me, and I realized I'd been missing it, missing it for years and years since my first boyfriend, who had chemistry with me, but no real possibility of a serious future.
Chemistry... Kissing... Yeah.
I'd totally write a dating zine with you. I think we could like, dispense advice and soforth. Or maybe I'm just babbling and I'm up too late. You tell me!
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Date: 2006-02-16 02:35 pm (UTC)Hm. You're right, I think, that smell is a chemistry thing, I think. Partially, at least--there were a couple people whose smell I really really liked, that I didn't have terribly strong "chemistry" with.
I have theories about that elusive chemistry thing being related to pheremones and our brains deciding who has good genetic material.
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Date: 2006-02-17 07:16 pm (UTC)Seconded! When I was dating my ex, I thought that I had lost my sex drive somehow. I considered it one of the symptoms of my then-undiagnosed illness. But with James it was electricity from the very beginning. I, like Jen, was floored. :))
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Date: 2006-02-16 06:45 pm (UTC)And I hope you find everything. Maybe even several of them. At once.
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Date: 2006-02-17 03:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-17 07:17 pm (UTC)