(no subject)

So, it's official: Jarrod and I are no longer dating.

What this is going to do to our housing situation is anyone's guess at this point: neither of us want to leave, I can't afford to, and at least one of the other housemates (I haven't talked to the other one) can't afford the increase in rent if one of us leaves.

I really don't want to move back into my parents' house. No. I'd rather couch-surf, almost.

So near as I can tell, our options are to keep sharing the room, or have one of us live in the tiny room upstairs (currently used for computers) while one of us has the huge room we currently share.

Right now we're still sleeping in the same bed, which is weird beyond belief. I don't think either of us slept worth shit last night. I was oddly terrified of snuggling him in my sleep, but it didn't happen. I slept right on the edge of my side most of the night, I think.

The whole thing is just amazingly depressing. He still wants his $1300 or so. He didn't seem to want to give me back my checkbook and credit card (which were in a locked box) until I pointed out that if he didn't he would legally be stealing from me. I tried talking to him about how the whole money situation was really bothering me and he Just. Didn't. Get it. At all. That's probably the worst part--that all he can think about in terms of my debt or how we had arranged it or why I wanted the control back, is his "risk management." Apparently my feelings have zero to do with the whole thing and never did. I was a risky investment, because I've been bad with my money. He says that if I had had any money when we'd moved he might have just paid for some of the move instead of loaning it all, but because he had to "bail me out," he didn't want to put himself in a situation where he would have to do that, over and over.

I want to go back to school. I want to be a nurse. If/when I actually get into nursing school, there will be three years where I won't be able to work--the school itself takes up a lot of time and energy, and when I'll be doing rotations of various kinds of nursing (pediatric, dermatology, etc.) my schedule will change so constantly that it would be a nightmare to attempt to work on top of that. Jarrod would still want to split our expenses completely down the middle and have me be responsible for my half. The way he looks at it, my parents should be the ones to help me with school, not him. I'm not talking about tuition etc., but shit like rent. I could be up to my ears in student debt and he could be making his electrical journeyman wage in a few years and I would still be expected to pay exactly half of our mutual expenses.

HELLO. If he was seriously thinking that our relationship was a true long-term thing (and from our conversations, he was) then wouldn't all of that be an investment? Nurses make good money! Hell, the median hourly wage for an RN around here, is within a dollar or so of the journeyman electrician's hourly wage.

He said a few moderately sappy things last night--that was the only time I really cried. It was like, I have asked you and asked you and asked you (and asked you) to say those kinds of things to me, and you didn't. Or you would for a few days and then you'd stop. I got tired of asking. If the only time you say you love me is after I say it first, it becomes increasingly difficult to believe that you mean it. You have to tell me that you like being around me, or spending time with me, or that our relationship helps you to be happier. Because otherwise? I don't know any of those things. I can't necessarily infer them from your behavior, either.

But what it all really comes down to is this: I eventually want to get married and have a kid. Not terribly soon (especially with the school thing), but preferably before I'm 35. I'm 27 now. Jarrod has told me in no uncertain terms that he never wants to get married and never wants to have a kid, end of story. That's fine. I'm not going to force him to change his mind any more than I ever expect him to change my mind. And that's enough of a reason to break it off, right there.

It still hurts though. I do love him and care about him and we have had a lot of really good times together. But none of that changes anything. :^(

(no subject)

So here's the situation as it stands now:

Jarrod and I will likely be sharing the same room for the next two months. Meanwhile, I'm going to be saving up and leaving. I don't know where, probably another shared house in SE. I'm no longer all that fond of the idea of moving into a house full of strangers, but a studio is more money than I want to spend.

I was going to try to stay here, but jenhowell has made it very clear that if Jarrod left she'd go too.

It's hard not to feel like I'm being kicked out. I know that's not what's really happening (so please don't bother to point that out), but that's how it feels.

I know Jarrod's going to be pissed that it'll take longer for me to pay him back, but that's just tough shit.

The limbo that Jarrod and I are in is just odd. We still went to Costco today as planned, to buy cereal and soymilk and my adderall. We went out to dinner last night (btw, Kinta is really good, on SE 35th-ish and Belmont). We still joke around and argue about money. So it feels like nothing has changed, except we don't ever touch each other and I have my checkbook and credit card back. I never realized how often I touched Jarrod until I stopped doing it entirely. It's something I have to put active effort into not doing.

So the next two months might be really weird. I'd rather deal with that than live with my parents again.

It used to be that the friends I saw and talked to and talked about etc. the most, were all one group of people. Then I got another group of friends, including jenhowell and Jarrod and ourglasslake and jameslentz. And that was awesome for a while. But with axiom and alicia_stardust leaving and then me breaking it off with Jarrod and having to move again; I feel like I'm getting stretched too thin. I like having an almost-tribe of friends, and I feel completely lost knowing that there's no way it'll feel anything like it was.

There's a part of me that's tempted to say "aw fuck it" and just start completely over somewhere else--like I'd rather just start from scratch than try to hold all these little threads as they get thinner and thinner. I've joked about moving to Seattle before, but I have a really great job here and Seattle is so much more expensive. Hell, any of the places I'd think of moving, would be more expensive by far. I like living in cities, that is a fact. And I like living in cities with trees and natural stuff nearby and with co-operative grocery stores (okay, People's specifically) and that are all vegan-friendly and where I can get to work and be in bike lanes or bike routes 4/5 of the time...I think that means I have to stay in Portland. *lol*

I know I'll get used to the idea of moving and possibly excited about a new opportunity like that. But right now I'm mostly just cranky and sad. Oh, and hungry. There's nothing to eat for me here but breakfast cereal, I swear.

Oh hey! The Rose Festival fireworks are starting. BOOM!

One Last Thought

I'm going to Hawthorne tomorrow. I need to hit up the US Bank on 39th, and a pet store that I think is in the 40's blocks somewhere, because they have the vegetarian dog food I give the rats, and then either that or the "Healthy Pets" place just off Hawthorne on 39th to buy their Carefresh bedding. But I figured it would be fun to make a day of it, just poking around that part of town. There's a place next to the pet store that has vegan "bubble" tea, for instance.

If anyone's up for it, let me know, it would mostly be in the early afternoon and I'd probably bike there.

ETA: ourglasslake will be in that part of town tomorrow. *squee!* (Although if anyone else wants to hang just say the word)