I was laying in bed thinking this morning. I had a song stuck in my head from a CD I bought the first time we camped and stayed the whole three days for the Oregon Country Fair. I was 19, the CD was Mazja. Mazja is hard to understand without seeing. It's a guy holding a puppet kind of thing, but built into the puppet is a psalter that he plays both by plucking and with a bow, and some pan pipes, and a pair of zills. It's all set up with wires so that whenever he plays part of the instrument, the puppet looks like it's playing as well. There's a picture
here.
In any case, I remember those first few weeks after my first Fair, lying in bed (in the same spot I sleep now), listening to that music. I had a suncatcher-type-thing of concentric plastic rings, that were in a rainbow, hanging over the window; and I would watch it slowly turn and cast light on the walls. That was seriously the last time in my life I had a room with all my stuff in it, and it was all unpacked and the room was decorated etc. No, wait--even then I had a few boxes in the closet. But at least they were in the closet.
But it just struck me this morning: I am a totally different person now than I was then. I mean, obviously, but I never really thought about it. I am totally not where I thought I'd be at 26, back then. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Some of the ideals I had about my life I still find important, but as far as the actual specifics, I'm not so sure...
My life is not as completely open to possibility as it once was. Don't get me wrong, there's still lots of open empty space in my life, and it's not like I'm "stuck" in any situation. But I've started noticing that there are doors shut behind me that weren't there before, and that's a tad unsettling.
For some reason I'm craving summer. I think it's OCF and all the other fun events I go to. Those events aren't just fun for me, though. There's a feeling I get at places like Pirate Gathering and SCA events and OCF and even Paganfaire that I don't feel anywhere else, and I always wish I could make my whole life feel like that. It's not necessarily a feeling of escape, although that's certainly there. There's a feeling of being accepted for who I am, like I don't have to have my guard up as much. There's a feeling of having something in common with everyone there--something underneath the surface, some sort of understanding. I'm trying to put words to it, and the only thing I can come up with, is the idea that there's something else to life besides the day-in day-out monotony of work and chores and whatever else. There's magic, there's fantasy. We can get away from the everyday world and create one of our own, even if just for a day. It doesn't make us crazy. We can set aside a time and place and say, "Here, things will be different."
Mazja is still at the Fair every year. I lost that CD, I need to buy another one. I think most of my friends who have gone to the Fair have that CD, and we all bought it independently of one another!
Oooh, found videos! Go to the
main page and click video, of course.
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