How the @#@$%# do I put stuff on a "whitelist" for the pop-up blocker? I'm trying to use AIM Express and I every single time I try, it bitches that my popup blocker won't let it run. Yes, I've tried pressing control. I don't know my way around Mozilla Firefox that well, apparently. Also, when I try to use the Java version, it just shuts down the window entirely--including all my tabs.
I'm pissy.
Also, having various existential crises. Which happens on a daily basis, for me. WTF? It seems like every day I'm trying to make life-changing decisions, and I'm constantly struck by the urge to be like "AW FUCK IT" and just randomly change direction. I'll move to an intentional community! No! I'll move downtown and become some sort of hipster! No! I'll go back to school and become an NP! No! I'll become obsessed with the SCA! No! I'll do lots of bellydancing! No! Harp! No! Singing!
I think part of the reason I feel like I've been treading water and not getting anywhere my whole damn life, is because the second I decide to actually do something to give it direction, something else looks just as appealing. So I sit in this state of non-decision for fear that something better might just come along. Which is probably the real reason I like the idea of polyamory. I never have to worry that I'll miss a good opportunity. That makes me sound horrible (excuse me while I just shoot myself in the foot over here), but there you are.
Not to mention that just dealing with everyday life tends to leave me goddamn tired. That's partially (probably mostly) an ADD thing...but just the normal day-to-day minutiae of life seems completely beyond me. My money is always gone and I have no idea where the $#%$ it went, but I never remember to bring something to write shit down on so I'd know. In theory I'm trying to pay off my debts, but the only one I've done so far is the one to the bank, which is easy. I don't really know who I owe money to at this point, other than school and my student loan. My clean laundry is never completely put away, even after doing it I've always missed some. When I pack up to go out and crash at someone's house, I somehow always pack extra socks or extra underwear, but somehow I never remember both. Or something to sleep in, either. How can I constantly be exhuasted (from a mental standpoint, not from a lack of sleep standpoint) and still not feel like I'm doing anything?
My life is too damn short. Or rather, my days are. And I have to keep reminding myself that I actually do need time to be a vegetable a little while every day and a good chunk of it weekly, or I'm totally exhausted. For the most part, my internet time counts as chillout time. TV used to--but I think the computer is probably better for me. Even if I spend it online chatting or doing memes or reading fanfiction. My problem is, I can never stick to the time limits I give myself for computer time. Ever. "I'll only stay on until 8pm" never ever happens.
I've been oddly anxious lately about relatively minor things. I feel like my head's so full there's no room to breathe, like I've got that goddamn hamster going around and would he just take a #%$#in' break already? There's stuff I want to talk about with people but because they're involved, all of a sudden people who have always been chatty with me feel like they've clammed up, and I think I'm probably just projecting; but that doesn't seem to make me feel any better.
Which is why I'm trying to make AIM work. Goddamnit.
BTW: Must stop going to Reading Frenzy. Bought a zine, and an anarchist pamphlet, and a thing on riding bikes in Portland, and Funny in Farsi (what is it with me and books by women from Iran? This one, Reading Lolita in Tehran, Persepolis....wtf?), and--of course--another issue of Small Favors. That, and that huge rack of zines makes me want to write something and xerox it and pray to gods someone reads it. Also, they want someone who can volunteer there four hours a week. I'm having to damn near tie myself down to keep from applying for the spot. Employee discount, yo!! I even have retail and library experience.....ARGH
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