Jul. 15th, 2003

aprilstarchild: (Default)
Back from Fair. Gods I love not having rent to pay, although I really should save up for a car.

Loot purchased:
*IWW cd. (The IWW are the International Workers of the World, aka the Wobblies.) Lots of fun songs, especially You Ain't Done Nothing if You Ain't Been Called a Red. I think that was the first thing I bought. Oddly enough, the song Solidarity Forever *isn't* on it.
*Harp music cd from some random guy playing on the side of the trail. All I have to say in my defense is: it's a harp. :)
*Jingly anklet for belly dancing.
*Wrap around pants died a pretty shade of blue with a rose batiked on one leg. Tyson bought a brown pair last year and I was really jealous. So I got myself a pair. The problem with these pants is, I feel like I'm *noticeably* looking like a hippie when I wear them. I sometimes call myself a hippie, but I'm not nearly as hippie as I think I look in those pants.
*A bright blue cotton scarf that I've been tying in my hair. It's a yard square, so I wrap it around my head and then pull the long bits up to the top of my head, tie them there, and tuck the ends in. That and the pants make me look even more hippie-ish. Also, apparently blue was my color theme for this Fair. It's to balance out all that purple I own.
*While at a taxidermy booth with Molly, I dug through their scrap piles of buckskin, and found two long triangular pieces and one long straight piece. They only cost five bucks, and I made a halter top out of them (Molly had brought a glover's needle and linen thread for her own buckskin). Can't wear it *anywhere* but the Fair though, as my nipples kept popping out the sides. Very nice and soft though, and not bad for five bucks, even if I only wear it the one day.
*A poster from a Christian environmentalist group. It shows a big colorful picture with Adam and Eve eating and surrounded by happy animals and lots of plants. Underneath it says: "God's original plan was for us to live in a garden with some naked vegetarians." *lol* Also got a couple of bumper stickers, one says the above, the other says, "'Your soul needs the wild.' Luke 2:6." I'm going to give them to Katrina, she of the "Jesus was a liberal" pin.

Things I did:
*Got measured for a Utilikilt (www.utilikilt.com). I swear, that was one of the busiest booths at the Fair this year. Last year I don't remember seeing anyone wearing one, and this year they were *everywhere*. Not that I'm complaining. *Any* man is automatically sexier when wearing one, for the same reason that tiny skirts are nice on women. Even butch lesbians get hotter in a manly kilt. And not all of them looked new. To no one's surprise, I'm a 34 short. I'd probably get a miniskirt length though, as even the "short" came past my knees. I'd also need a big belt. Shit that would be expensive, they're $115 for normal ones, and they charge more for miniskirt length 'cause they have to move the pocket. Ironically, Tyson wants one. We could conceivably both own the same pair of hippie pants, and utilikilts. We should go out in matching outfits some time.
*I got married to a dead bride. Molly, Tyson and I were walking around, and we spotted these two people who really stuck out in the crowd--two people dressed in wedding gowns, covered in white makeup. They were moving very slowly, and looking straight ahead. When we stopped to look at them, they pulled rings out of pouches at their waist (the cheapo kind that come out of vending machines) and put them on our ring fingers, then kept walking. They moved slowly the whole time, and never made eye contact or said a word. I noticed that the one putting the ring on my finger was a man when I got close up. It was kinda spooky but also sorta cool. I felt honored somehow.
*I saw a lot of belly dancing, as I hung out at the Gypsy Caravan stage for a good portion of several days. WOW. There were three in particular who really impressed me. One balanced two swords on her head. The first sword was flat on her head going side to side, and the other was point-up and going front to back. She danced while doing this. Another dancer was a very, er, well-rounded woman. But she had the most amazing muscle control, her undulations were really impressive. She had just the greatest attitude on stage, and obviously knew her body really well and what it could do. The audience of mostly skinny people went nuts for her. The third one, named Aziza, was by far the best belly dancer I've ever seen. I just....wow. Very athletic, having a good time onstage, dancing her ass off. The last two were from Portland, and Aziza even gives lessons locally! Woo hoo.

I've probably forgotten a lot of stuff, I don't know. If I have I will certainly post it.

IN OTHER NEWS: Who are the people replying to my journal?? I know one of them was referred by a friend, and another is a person whose journal *I've* replied to, but who are the rest of you people? ALSO: Talked to Jon (one of Bink's housemates) for four hours. Mostly small talk. I have no idea where this is going. I've seen him twice (the first time at Gr's party), and both times it was just talk talk talk. I'm constantly chattering. I think it's a subconcious way of distancing myself. He's asked to see me again....I'm getting nervous. I'm not really ready to date again yet. Argh.
aprilstarchild: (Default)
Because I did forget some things.

Firstly, I reached new heights of geekdom today, playing Dungeons and Dragons. Tyson's the Dungeon Master and there are four other people as well. We're playtesting a supplement to the third edition. All we get out of it is geek bragging rights and possibly our name on the credits page. For those of you who care about such things, I'm playing a halfling ranger who's neutral good. I'm all of two feet and eleven inches tall, and my leather armor weighs half as much as I do. So far we've been given our quest and gone to a bar. It's hard to get used to talking as your character, especially since half the time, I don't really know what's going on. But I have a xeroxed form full of numbers for things like "handle animals" and "sense motive." The scary part is, some of them were starting to make sense. And I keep getting in trouble because I'm fidgety and put the dice in my mouth. Choking on a four sided die would surely be an ironic way to die.

Secondly: Cherie (Tyson's mother) has started putting a photo album together. The pages are all out of order, so Devin's graduation is followed by Hanakuh four years ago which is followed by New Year's '00 to '01. Now *those* are some interesting pictures. Mr Nash is in an awful lot of them. My hair was rather cute then. The scary one is a shot of me and Tony. It looks as though he's telling me something...I guess it was before I got drunk and weepy, 'cause I'm standing. It always shocks me to see pictures of Tony from that time period. He's so freaking young looking. It's so different from how he looks now (although admittedly I haven't seen him in a few months). Tony's even wearing his old trench coat--you can see the blue ribbon (didn't it say "I can count to ten"?) tied to one button.

Oy vey.
aprilstarchild: (Default)
I also got a bunch of notecards with pictures on them by a good artist. Very pretty. I plan to tack them all up to the wall.

Also bought a copper brooch to hold my wool poncho shut so it stops strangling me every time I wear it, forcing me to yank it down again and creating a nasty static charge.
Nothing, however, will change the fact that when I wear it to school with my backpack underneath, I resemble a hunchback.

Talked to Bink (hi there!) and she's feeling much better, but they still don't know exactly what was wrong with her. Also, getting room a bit cleaner finally, which is nice, 'cause it was turning into The Nasty Pile of Books, Clothes, and CD's Without Cases.
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Went to a coven ritual tonight at Jeff's, which was nice. I hadn't seen any of them in a while. Showed off my pictures of Sacramento, but I think Strega was the only one really interested. Also, why does Nathan weird out at any mention of me being a sexual person? All the other members of the coven point out that I'm a Scorpio. I mention this because apparently I wasn't anunciating my words very well, and several people swear I said some naughty words randomly in conversation, when I hadn't. It kept freaking out Nathan, who has shown on other occasions to be weirded out by the idea of me having sex.

After it was over, Lani drove me to the max, and I got off at downtown and walked to Everday Music, the one by the Crystal Ballroom. That part of town has a lot of bars. All the people hanging around looked my age, which always weirds me out 'cause they just *look* more accomplished than me. I have issues.

In any case! For some reason I was actually surprised that EM doesn't have any used Radiohead albums. The only one I actually own is the most recent one, Hail to the Thief. Somewhere I have burned copies of Kid A and Amnesiac, most likely with lovey messages from Tony written on them. I wanted to try to own legal copies of above albums, and perhaps grab some of their earlier stuff. Kid A is an awfully weird place to start, imo. But, there weren't any. I did grab two things though: a recording of the Oregon Symphony playing The Rite of Spring and Firebird, both concerts of which I missed, not realizing that student tix were five bucks. (I think I *cried* about not getting to see The Rite of Spring. Also, I met Tony's parents when I was at his house and his parents came home from seeing Firebird....) The second album I bought is Man or Astroman. Apparently I'm in some sort of masochistic mood. I bought the only one with a cover I recognized...it's the version of A Spectrum of Infinite Scale that apparently you could only buy at concerts. I don't know if any of it's actually different. There's some stuff I don't remember, but it's all low-level sounds.....I think they might have been drowned out by the hum of the computers.

Clarification is in order, I suppose. I'm rather familiar with this album. Tony had this playlist on his computer that was just constantly playing on his computer like an incredibly repetitive radio station. Stuff got added or taken off....but for the most part it was the same stuff. Man or Astroman, Bjork, Pop Will Eat Itself, Barenaked Ladies, at some point Rush got added (ugh). This particular Man or Astroman CD was *always* on it....from some point before I house-sat for his family in January of '02, to....well, it was still there when we broke up. How many times, when I fell asleep there, did I wake up to that bit with "the helmets, we gotta get the helmets"?? His room was so cocoon-like. The lights were usually off except for the multiple strings of Xmas lights. And the bottom floor (where his room was) always felt like the basement 'cause you had to go down half a flight of stairs to get there. The basement-feeling was made stronger because the upstairs porch was basically over Tony's window, and then the shed was on one side, plus the curtains were usually shut, so there was no outside light. The bed was large (a queen) and rather soft, and at any given time there was two down comforters, plus a plain black one, and an insane amount of pillows; all of it smelled like Tony. The two or three (depending on the location of the laptop) computers were always on, adding a soft hum. And then ther was the aforementioned music on top of it all.

I can remember the way his desk and nightstand drawers sounded. Or his chair when he leaned too far back. I remember the way every different door in the house sounded from in there. I can close my eyes and locate almost any object in that room. I saw it all, over and over, in a haze of half-sleep from waiting for his dad to come home from whatever club he was at, or his studio. What's odd is that when I remember that room, and how comforting it was, Tony is rarely in it. Or if he is, he's not interacting with me. He's sitting at the desk typing insanely fast, or he's asleep next to me. I don't know what that says.

I'll be honest, I miss that room. The only problem is, whenever I was in it, I wanted to sleep. It got to the point where this obviously aggravated Tony. "You just came over here to sleep!" Um, yes, I did. I'd *prefer* you in it with me, but I'll take it either way. The sound of typing always has made me feel comforted somehow....

When Tony moved to Bellevue, he commented in his blog that it weirded him out to see his room all torn up. It made me feel oddly homesick as well. It's one thing to miss a place that you know still exists. It's another to be able to remember a place in vivid detail, and miss it, and know that it isn't really there anymore.

I remember the strangest things. Every now and then, I'll just be sitting around, and remember something else, like I never left. Today I was minding my own business on the bus and then I thought of the Happy Birthday Mom banner in the dining room. It's drawn with crayons on dot matrix printer paper. Why do I remember the most random shit? Right this second, I can call to mind the way his neck smelled. I can recall the exact sensation of putting my nose in his neck when his hair was down. It makes me ache and feel oddly hungry. I crave it like a drug.

Sometimes it's hard to remind myself of why I left. The wonderful yummy comforting parts of it, were not worth the yucky parts. The posessiveness, the jealousy. He was so easily offended, and then he would sulk or say something snarky. Everything pissed him off. He was often cold to me in front of his friends. I never really felt like I could be myself, because in the back of my head I knew the things he didn't like me doing, that bothered him, that pissed him off, and I felt like he was watching me somehow. How many times did I actually say, "Nah, it would bother Tony," or, "Tony's gonna be pissed." It makes my blood boil just to think about it.

Plus, he just hated everyone. He hated his family. He hated his friends. He hated his teachers. He hated *my* friends. It sometimes felt like I was the only person he didn't hate. Like it was my job to prove to him that not all people are evil. His entire betrayed trust in humanity rested on me. So when I did something to piss him off, suddenly I was one of Them. That was, honestly, one reason it took me so long to really get the guts to break it off. I didn't want to be on his list of people he hated. Jesus, I saw how he treated Katrina. What made me think I'd be any different? I'd just be another person who fucked him over.

Tony held everyone else to a higher standard of behavior than he held himself. It was totally projection. All the parts of himself he disliked, he positively loathed in the people around him.

I'm sorry I never found the words for all this while it was going on. But would you have listened? Would you have changed? Or would politely listen from your nice detached fucking distance you always affected, tell me that I made you think, and then gone on just as before??

I love you, I hate you. I want to never think about you again, and I want to remember every tiny detail of my life with you over and over. I want to be physical with other people just to get the feel and memory of you off of my skin, like some kind of fingerprint that won't wash off. I want to crawl into your bed and never leave again.

I don't think I'm ready to date again yet. I think I'm going to go upstairs and cry for a bit, thank you.

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